He clearly doesn’t love you enough.

Since my post  'moving on,' lots of you have written in to say:

‘Clearly he doesn’t love you enough, because if he did he would do whatever it takes.’

Here’s where The Rules come in.

My ex guy recently told me he’s not ready.  And he isn’t.  This has absolutely nothing to do with me.  It’s all to do with him. 

When a guys says he’s not ready.

He's not.

That's not to say he won’t be ready in a few years time.  I’m in my late 30’s and don’t have a few years to give him especially if I want to start a family.  Ticky tocky dear readers.   I’m confident he’ll get things sorted but he can’t do this overnight.   

In this scenario there are two choices:

a)       Wait for him to get ready and hope that one day he’ll propose

Or

b)       Accept, leave him to it and date others.  He has my number and  knows where to find me.

My ex-guy is very happy to carry on dating.  We last met on Tuesday.  He asked if we would meet on Wednesday and I said no.  He asked if I wanted to watch the Batman film on Thursday.  I said no.  He asked if I wanted to go for lunch on Sunday. I said no.  He asked if we could meet next week and again I said no.

When a man says he’s not ready, this is exactly what he means.  This doesn’t make him a bad person.  That said the worst thing we can do is to hang around, carry on dating him and hope for the day he gets ready.

Anyway contrast my story to my non Rulesgirlfriend

My non Rules girlfriend has been dating her guy for three years.  He’s divorced with two children.  The other day I asked how they were doing:

“Wonderful, just wonderful, we’re very committed to each other” she responded

“That’s amazing, has he proposed?”

“No, not yet he can’t afford it.  He’s totally broke at the moment so he’s moved into my place.  I’m paying the bills while he gets himself sorted.”

“Oh ok, so how are things going?”

“Great, he’s with his children, he’s taken them to the beach for a few days.”

“Oh ok and you didn't want to go?”

“No, I’ve not been introduced to the children yet.” “He wants to wait until they’re a little older.”

To recap they’ve been dating for three years.  He’s still (technically) married to his ex-wife because he can’t afford to divorce her.  My non Rules friend hasn’t met his children yet and doesn’t know when she will.  He’s just moved into her house but can’t afford to pay any of the bills.  Yet she’s very happy to stay with him and hope that one day he’ll propose. 

There’s nothing wrong with this but if she wants to start a family, she’d be better off leaving him alone and dating others. By the way she also thinks The Rules are totally nuts.

The great thing about moving on is that you’re not wasting any time.  And as hard as it is (and it is hard) you’re back in control.  Plus if their situations do change and providing we’re still single they know where to find us.

Win win I say.

Back on the dating wagon.

I’m back on the dating horse and have been for about a month.   

Like a good Rules Girl/Coach I reactivated my dating profile a couple of days after my ex guy went on the ‘on contact’ plan.  To date I’ve had three dates with one guy who is very keen.  He also comes with baggage in the form of an ex wife and children.   And I’ve also had a date zero with another guy.

I’m already on two dating sites but plan to put myself on another few.  I’ll also be signing up to singles events as well as getting myself out there.

Last night I logged on to check my messages.  I’ve received all these messages from one dating site but unfortunately every single one is a ‘Next.’

They either wrote one word emails or didn’t refer to anything within my written profile.  Only two mentioned something within my profile but both of these suitors were too short.   I know height isn’t a deal breaker for many people but it is for me.  I’m not looking for anyone who is 6ft tall but I’d like them to be taller than me.

I really thought my dating days were over and I was looking forward to moving things on with my ex guy.  I’d done all the hard work or rather he’d done all the hard work and we were going great guns. 

Alas dear readers and fellow singletons here I am back on the dating scene.  Over the weekend I’ll be re-writing out my intentions together with having a serious think about what I’m looking for.  After that I plan to blitz, blitz and blitz. 

I must confess the thought of having to re-start my dating journey does make me sad.  I'd worked so hard. Anyway for now I plan on gritting my teeth, getting out there and seeing what comes my way. 

Moving on.

I’m referring to My Guy or ex guy.  For anyone following the blog you’ll know my ex guy has been on ‘no contact.’  He’s recently been in touch and we’ve had a couple of conversations.

I must confess the great thing about the ‘no contact’ rule is that while they’re thinking, you also get to think.  I was happy when we restarted talking but subsequent conversations have only confirmed that he’s still not ready.

One reason for him not being ready was his family.  His family didn’t like my stats.  I’m older than him and divorced and unfortunately being divorced still holds a stigma in my culture. He’s talked to his entire family about me and they all gave me a big fat resounding no.  Ok I lie; they gave me a huge, massive no.

Despite their thoughts towards me, his family do sound very nice and I understand their point of view.  The other great thing about our recent conversations is that they’ve helped raise a couple of red flags, namely how influential his family are and will probably continue to be. 

My ex guy has only ever been affectionate, generous and kind.  We’ve had a great Rules-y relationship and there’s absolutely no animosity between us.   I know there are compromises in every relationship, but the compromises for me would be huge.

Rules Girls don’t waste time, we don't settle and we choose carefully.

She’s a psycho.

It doesn’t take much for men to think girls are psychos. 

Really it doesn’t. 

A little over zealous texting and acting a little too keen and needy is all they need to label girls a psycho. 

Not us Rules Girls of course.  We’re far too in control to be ever labelled psychos.

Let me explain what I mean via a quick story.

A family friend was recently introduced to a suitor.  The introductions were made via their extended families.  These introductions are fairly common in my culture.  They usually involve your family sitting you down and showing you a photo. This is then followed by a brief suitor synopsis which includes their name, height, marital status, where they live, work, their level of education, number of siblings etc.   

Nowadays and depending on how ‘liberal’ your family are, you’re given a phone number and told to get on with it.  This is what happened in this scenario.  My male family friend was shown a photo and given a number.  He said she was really pretty so he decided to call her.

They talked on the phone twice.  Both occasions the calls lasted two hours.  On hearing this I already knew how this story was going to end.  They met a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t bother driving down to her neighbourhood.  Instead they arranged to meet at a convenient shopping mall.  The date ended with her leaning over to kiss him.  After the date she continued to text and call him. 

Apparently she’d text him at work with tit bits of her day.  In one text she wrote she was ‘going to the shops.’ She also kept sending him photos of herself and her family.

He said she ‘started to do his head in.’   And that’s all it took for him to brand her a psycho

I personally don’t think she’s a psycho; she’s just keen and made the mistake of treating him like a girlfriend.  Men are not are girlfriends especially not prospective suitors. 

He’s stopped returning her texts because he felt, if she’s this needy now what’s she going to be like once they’re married. 

This last point is really key.

Men must do the work when it comes to dating i.e. make the first contact, call and arrange the date but they mustn’t feel that being with us is hard work.  I hope you can see the difference because there’s a big difference.  If not (forgive my blatant self promotion) why don’t you book a private consultation by visiting wingsbowsandarrows.com

Positive waiting.

If you’re doing The Rules you’ll spend lots of time waiting.

At the start of your dating journey you have to wait for them to call or get in touch.  Once you start dating you wait for them to either pick you up, or you have to wait for at them at the venue.

Once exclusive you still have to wait for them to  call, pick you up, introduce you to their friends and family, make the date plans etc. 

Finally you have to wait for them to commit. 

Despite all this waiting you’re actually the one in control.  If you’ve been waiting and they haven’t called then you move on.  You also control whether or not  to go exclusive and you decide whether they’re ‘The One.’

Couple of things on this:

If you doing The Rules, you may as well get used to the waiting.  Get busy and stay busy.  Getting busy doesn’t mean you’re impossible to get or that there’s no flex in your schedule to see him.  Remember we don’t accept last minute dates, but if he’s given you three days notice, and providing your date day doesn’t fall on your dad’s 60^th birthday or your sister’s wedding then free yourself up to see him.

Remember the ‘waiting’ for calls, texts, dates, moving to exclusivity and eventually commitment is a positive.  In between the spaces he’s gets to miss you, imagine you and think about you.  When he does finally call or arrange date plans he’ll feel it’s all been his idea.  You can help him feel this way by leaving him well alone.

While you’re ‘waiting,’ start a new hobby, learn a new language, think about a career change, start a book club or a blog, learn to cook etc. 

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

My guy update.

Ok dear readers a status update for you.  Anyone following the blog will know I went exclusive back in March.  It’s been great and yes they really will drive down to pick you up, take you out, pay and drop you back again.

Our relationship is completely Rules-y and will continue to be.  In a nutshell he recently said those immortal words:

‘I’m not ready.’

And we all know men say what they mean especially when it comes to commitment.  The truth is after hearing him; he isn’t ready.   He has a few things to sort before he gets ready.

So over to him and in the meantime I’m back to dating.

What this Rules coach didn’t get the ring I hear you say.

In response let’s just wait to see how this plays out. 

In the meantime I’m not wasting any time and have already started dating others.

Halfway house.

Dear readers as I’m sure you know we don’t get ourselves into any ‘halfway house’ scenarios.

If you were happily dating only to discover he won’t commit, then he’s a ‘Next.’  None of this ‘let’s stay friends business.’  

If he wants to stay friends tell him you have enough friends’ thank you.  If he wants to see you, he can either date you properly or commit to a relationship.

If you’re in any ‘on and off’ type scenario, but he calls when he needs something tell him ‘you’d love to help but you’re busy.’  And no you can’t water his plants or look after his dog while he’s on holiday. And no you absolutely cannot accompany him to his friend’s party because he doesn't want to go alone.  He can employ a concierge service and he can go to the party alone.

Either they want to date and commit to us or they don’t. 

If they’re not interested in us then we’re certainly not interested in them.

Three types of people.

There are only three types of people

• Those that move towards you
• Those that move away from you
• Those that are indifferent.

Anybody who moves away from you or is indifferent whether that be family, friends  or men should be left well alone.

We only need to concern ourselves with the first type. 

Everyone else is pretty much a ‘Next.’

The things men say.

For the most part you can pretty much ignore what men say.

Don’t get carried away when they tell you ‘how great you are,’ or ‘how they've never met anyone like you before.’

If you’re doing The Rules you’ll get used to hearing these sweet nothings. 

You really will. 

Men will constantly tell you how ‘you’re different from the other girls,’ and how they ‘can’t believe you’re still single.’ 

Men used to ask ‘if I was an alien.’ They couldn’t believe single, healthy, happy girls who were easy to be with really existed.  Yes we do exist and we’re called RulesGirls. 

Men can talk all they like because all we’re interested in are their actions.   They can say ‘I love you,’ a billion times but if they won’t commit - you can be sure they love you but not enough.

The only words you MUST pay attention to are any of the following

‘I can’t give you what you want.’

‘I’m not ready.’

‘It’s me not you.’

‘I’m not into marriage.’

‘I’m not looking for anything serious.’

If you hear any of the above statements, then rest assured this is exactly what he means. 

In any of these scenarios and no matter how painful, there is only one option.  And that is to accept and move on. Of course you can stick around but do so at your peril. Remember Rules Girls don’t waste time.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Cohabitation.

If commitment and marriage is important to you then this is bad, bad, bad, bad, very very bad.

The only time you can cohabitate is if you’re engaged with an agreed wedding date. Anything else and you're wasting your time.  And no contrary to popular wisdom cohabitating doesn’t make him anymore committed.

Don’t believe me then I hope the following stories act as a gentle warning.

A work colleague and her boyfriend have been cohabitating for ten years.  He won’t propose and she is at her wits end.  She is practically pulling her hair out.  All her friends are either married or getting married or having children.  Each time she receives a wedding invite, her anxiety levels go into overdrive and she starts nagging him.  They have regular ‘chats’ about why he won’t propose and does that therefore mean he doesn’t love her. Some days she would come into work visibly upset.  I’d ask what was wrong and she’d reply with:

 ‘Well we had another chat last night and he’s still no closer to proposing. I don’t know what to do. Why won’t he propose?’

He won’t propose because he gets her for free.  He also gets to share a bed with her, gets his washing done and his dinner cooked. 

Another friend and her boyfriend were also living together for about ten years.  They seemed really happy and enjoyed an active social life.  Their diaries were constantly filled with weekends away or some other social commitment.  After ten years she asked what his intentions were.  He responded by moving out.  Shortly after breaking up with her, he started dating a girl who used to be a mutual friend.  She was distraught.  She was in so much pain that she stopped eating and her hair started falling out.

Ok gentle readers please take heed and please don’t let this be you.

By the way in the case of the first story.  He still hasn’t proposed.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

A male perspective - please don't call us or tell us what to do.

I’m itching to share this story with you dear readers.  Last night I went out with a male friend.  He knows all about The Rules.  Well what do you expect, he is my friend after all and I am partial to talking about The Rules every so often.

Anyway he’s dating this girl.  So far they’ve had two dates.

‘I can’t figure it out’ he said

‘How do you mean?’ I asked

‘She’s really pretty, has a great figure, a great job, any man would be lucky to have her but I’m not enthused about her.’

‘Oh how come’ 

‘Well we’ve only had two dates and she already seems really into me.  To be honest I’m a little unnerved.’

‘What you think she may be a stalker.’

‘I think she may have stalker tendencies.’

Ok dear readers, this is what happened.

She called him after their first date to tell him how much she enjoyed meeting him.  She also asked his availability for a second date.  She said she was going away for a week with work and could they meet before she left.

He agreed and they met for dinner.  At the end of their second date she told him how she didn’t want the date to end and how she was going to really miss him.  

It gets worse dear readers.  It really does.

He said he could tell she really enjoyed being wined and dined.   She’d already mentioned her preference for fancy restaurants.  He said he felt real pressure to find a suitable venue.  In the end he chose an Italian restaurant but he could see she didn’t like it. 

When asked if she liked the food, she replied with a limp

‘It’s ok.’  

To the waiters wine recommendation she responded with:

‘That's not any good. It’s 2010 and 2010 wasn’t a great wine year.’

Die hard and newbie Rules Girls please make sure:

• You never call a man to thank him for the date

• You let the man lead and you gracefully receive

• You play hard to get

• At no point do you gush over how great he is

• You never tell a man what to do.

P.s my friend also said how he wished more girls would do The Rules.

What to talk about on a date.

In the early stages of dating and in no particular order here are some topic areas best kept off the agenda.

• Your/his ex boyfriend or girlfriend

• How much you hate your boss/job/friends/family/flatmate/neighbours/next doors dog etc

• What your therapist thinks or tells you to do

• How all men are losers

• How dating is completely soul destroying

• How you’ve never met anyone like him before.  No gushing about how great they are especially not in the beginning

• Anything to do with getting married or how you’ve already planned your wedding

• Children including how many you want and what you intend naming them

• Any affairs that your friends are having

• If you met via an online dating site then don’t talk about his profile or his pictures.  Remember you’re busy.  You’ve barely had time to glance at his profile.

• How you absolutely hate your body

• How life is totally unfair and how you always seem to attract drama

• How long it took you get ready and how you’ve been planning your outfit since last week

• How much you’ve been looking forward to meeting him.

Don’t worry these topics are only off the list during the initial courtship phase.  You have the rest of your life to tell him about how your family suck and how you spend three hours getting ready for your first date.

In the meantime here are some topics you can talk about.

• The dismal UK summer.  Honestly is it going to rain all summer?

• The Olympics

• Music

• Concerts

• Books

• Plays

• Comedy shows and your favourite comedians

• Theatre shows

• TV programmes

• Actors and actresses

• Sport

• Hobbies and pastimes

• How tomatoes are actually a fruit

• Travelling
• Holidays
• Local places of interest

• How awesome aubergines are with goats cheese.  They’re yummy if you grill the aubergines first and then let the cheese melt on top.

Ok I think you get the idea.  Now get out there and give it some dating action.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Why hasn’t he called?

Ok dear readers, this is actually a positive. 

Let me try and explain why. 

Any die hard Rules Girls will tell you that if he’s not calling then ‘he’s just not that into you’ and he’s a ‘Next.’  We don’t worry about why he's not calling.  We simply strike his names off the list and move on.

For Rules newbie’s this takes a little getting used to.  For example imagine the following scenario. You’ve just had a great date, he said he would call but he never did.  You keep looking at your phone wondering why he hasn’t called.  You think back to the date and wonder whether you said something wrong.  You distinctively remember him saying he'd call.  So why hasn't he?

This is a positive for so many reasons:

• He’s saved you heaps and heaps of time.  The worst mistake you can make is to get impatient and call him.  This simple action will mean you’ve kept something going that’s not meant to be.  Yes he’ll probably be flattered by your call.  And he’ll probably agree to see you again.  You’ll get all excited and feel really pleased about calling him.  Be warned that you’re wasting your time.  He’s like you  and he’ll happily date you but you’re not his dream girl.

• He’s freed you up to date others.  You should thank him for not stringing you along.

• He’s one less guy to worry about.  Strike his name of the suitor list and get busy setting up more dates.

• The reason he’s not calling has NOTHING to do with you.  It’s not because you’re not pretty enough or smart enough or skinny enough.  It’s all to do with him.  Either he’s not ready to date, or you’re not his type or he's dating others.  The point is you don’t know and more importantly you don’t care. 

Also don’t expect him to call you right away.  Sometimes he'll call  the next day, sometimes he won’t. 

Your role isn’t to obsess and wonder why he isn't calling.  You role is to get busy and focus on setting up more dates. 

Finally it goes without saying but at no point do you call him for an explanation EVER.  You accept, give gratitude that he's saved you time and emotional energy and you move on.

For a private consultation please visit the website wingsbowsandarrows.com

Rules authors - Ellen and Sherrie LIVE one hour Q&A.

Sharing the below on behalf of Ellen and Sherrie: 

Do you know the 10 rules of dating?

The Rules Girls, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider do!

The #1 New York Times bestselling authors will host a LIVE one-hour Q&A.

It's on Saturday, July 21 from 8-9pm (ET) or 1am GMT for anyone based in the UK and will be hosted on Hallmark Channel’s facebook. 

The Q&A is a fun, flirty way for fans to ask dating’s dynamic duo questions in a relaxed, fun format all leading to the World Premiere of ‘HOW TO FALL IN LOVE,’ a Hallmark Channel Original Movie, Saturday, July 21 (8pm -9pm ET/PT or 1am GMT)

Chosen by Elle Magazine as one of the best self-help books of all time, The Rules co-author Sherrie Schneider offers a key rule to today’s single woman:

“Because many women are successful go-getters in business they mistakenly assume they can be aggressive with men too. They want to ask him out, buy him dinner and stay the night on the first date but, instead, we say women should disappear between dates and be very mysterious.”

Signed copies of All the Rules by Ellen and Sherrie will also be given away during the hour Q&A.

So if you want to know where to meet someone, how to get a man to propose, and how to enjoy yourself in the dating world, Hallmark Channel’s facebook Q&A is your dating advice destination!

Men only …. Part I

There are some dating roles clearly designated ‘men only.’

We know it’s up to men to chase and organise the date.  And men believe it or not know this too.

Here’s a text I received from a male friend yesterday.

I recall a similar situation a few months ago.  A friend of mine had emailed this girl via an online dating site.  She was really pretty and he was really nervous.  It was really cute to see him a little nervous.  He wasn’t sure whether she’d like him.

Suffice to say he wanted to make a really good impression.  He called and asked for help.  Even though he frequents lots of nice watering holes in London, he still spend two hours sat at his desk researching a great place to take her. 

I remember watching him and thinking:

‘Wow, men sure make an effort when they really want to date you.’

Next time you’re tempted to organise the dating plans. 

Don’t

Men know it’s over to them to set up and organise the date. 

Our role is to back off, leave them to it, thank them for picking a great venue (even if it’s not to our taste) and gracefully receive.

A very Rules-y ending.

Lavendar Bay Australia.

This is a great story dear readers.

Last night I met a friend for dinner.  I haven’t seen her for awhile because she’s been living and working in Australia.  While out there she married her boyfriend.  Naturally I was really looking forward to hearing all the details.

Here’s the story as told by my friend:

"Well as you know, Ben and I had been dating for a couple of years.  His company asked him to take a role in the Middle East.  Due to the nature of his work, I couldn’t go with him.  He asked what I would do.  I told him I’d sort myself out.   I decided to take the opportunity and live and work in Australia for a year.  So that’s what I did.  I found work in an event company and lived in this lovely apartment in Lavender Bay. 

The farewell at the airport was really teary, we both couldn’t stop crying.  I was heading off first and as we said goodbye I asked him:

 ‘What would we do with ourselves?’

He asked what I meant and I said :

‘It would be good to make some plans together.’

I wasn’t necessarily looking for a ring. I was thinking maybe we could invest in a property or perhaps open a joint bank account together.

Anyway because of the time zones and his work we couldn’t really email or talk on the phone. The only contact we had was a weekly Skype session.  Unfortunately this was always on a Friday night.  I really liked talking to him but come on its Friday night and I’m in Australia.  I wanted to be out.  Plus the Skype connection was never any good, it was always grainy and we couldn’t really hear each other.

After three months apart, he came to visit and that’s when he proposed.  I was really shocked and wasn’t expecting a proposal at all.  Of course I was over the month and I said yes straight away.

I think he proposed because he missed me, he was worried that I might meet someone else and he was ready."

This story is Rules for so many reasons.  Firstly she didn’t act all needy and insecure when he told her about the Middle East.  She also didn’t pester him via email, phone, text etc.  When they did finally talk on Skype she ended the call first because she was having too much fun partying. 

The most important take out is that sometimes in order to move forward you have to be separated from each other. Yes there will be tears and heartache, but in the long term you'll reap the rewards.

The best banana cake recipe.

My first attempt at making banana cake.  I impoverised

by using my flatmates cookery ware.

A slight right angle from my usual posts but bear with me dearest readers.

We all know as CUAO’s (creature unlike any other) we’re busy busy. 

We’re so busy that there’s absolutely no time in our schedules to accept last minute dates.  We only have 10 minutes to talk on the phone.  And there’s no time at all to even contemplate texting or calling a man.

If you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking about him.  Trying to find an excuse to end the call first.  Or trying to stop yourself from texting, then put the phone down and try out this banana cake recipe instead. 

I came across this recipe a few weeks ago.  I’d purchased too many bananas from my local market.  The market traders sell produce in bowls which is great if you live in a household of ten or more.  Even after giving away bananas to my local homeless person I still had loads left.  I decided to use the remaining bananas and bake a cake.

Here’s the recipe

Preheat the oven to gas mark 160C or gas mark 3

170 grams of caster sugar

170 grams of self raising flour

2 banana’s (best if overripe although mine were just ripe)

3 eggs

170 soft margarine (I used butter and diced it into small pieces)

Few drops of vanilla essence (optional)

Cinnamon (again optional, I just threw some into the bowl)

Walnuts 60 grams (optional but well worth adding)

Here’s the method

Add all the ingredients into a bowl or food processor

Mix well

Pour into a lined tin. 

Cook for an hour. 

Cool and enjoy.

I’m not a baker and don't have any kitchen scales so I estimated the required quantities.  The flour and caster sugar came in bags of 500 grams.  I tipped a third of each bag into a bowl.  Same for the butter.  I estimated the quantity required by cutting off about a third and throwing it into the blow.   

Of course I don’t have a cake tin either.  As you can see from the picture above I used my flatmates ceramic cookery ware.

Second attempt for a friends

birthday. Tasted lovely with

the champagne

I’ve made this cake three times in total. 

A few weeks ago as a practise run.  Last week for a friend’s birthday and the week before when a friend came to visit.    

It’s easy, quick, simple and tasty.

Next time you’re looking for an excuse to end the call first. Tell him ‘you’d love to chat but you need to check on your cake'. Subsequently if you find yourself thinking about him.  Distract yourself by grabbing your coat and your purse. Head down to your local store. Buy the ingredients and try out this recipe instead.