Halfway house.

Dear readers as I’m sure you know we don’t get ourselves into any ‘halfway house’ scenarios.

If you were happily dating only to discover he won’t commit, then he’s a ‘Next.’  None of this ‘let’s stay friends business.’  

If he wants to stay friends tell him you have enough friends’ thank you.  If he wants to see you, he can either date you properly or commit to a relationship.

If you’re in any ‘on and off’ type scenario, but he calls when he needs something tell him ‘you’d love to help but you’re busy.’  And no you can’t water his plants or look after his dog while he’s on holiday. And no you absolutely cannot accompany him to his friend’s party because he doesn't want to go alone.  He can employ a concierge service and he can go to the party alone.

Either they want to date and commit to us or they don’t. 

If they’re not interested in us then we’re certainly not interested in them.

Three types of people.

There are only three types of people

• Those that move towards you
• Those that move away from you
• Those that are indifferent.

Anybody who moves away from you or is indifferent whether that be family, friends  or men should be left well alone.

We only need to concern ourselves with the first type. 

Everyone else is pretty much a ‘Next.’

The things men say.

For the most part you can pretty much ignore what men say.

Don’t get carried away when they tell you ‘how great you are,’ or ‘how they've never met anyone like you before.’

If you’re doing The Rules you’ll get used to hearing these sweet nothings. 

You really will. 

Men will constantly tell you how ‘you’re different from the other girls,’ and how they ‘can’t believe you’re still single.’ 

Men used to ask ‘if I was an alien.’ They couldn’t believe single, healthy, happy girls who were easy to be with really existed.  Yes we do exist and we’re called RulesGirls. 

Men can talk all they like because all we’re interested in are their actions.   They can say ‘I love you,’ a billion times but if they won’t commit - you can be sure they love you but not enough.

The only words you MUST pay attention to are any of the following

‘I can’t give you what you want.’

‘I’m not ready.’

‘It’s me not you.’

‘I’m not into marriage.’

‘I’m not looking for anything serious.’

If you hear any of the above statements, then rest assured this is exactly what he means. 

In any of these scenarios and no matter how painful, there is only one option.  And that is to accept and move on. Of course you can stick around but do so at your peril. Remember Rules Girls don’t waste time.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Cohabitation.

If commitment and marriage is important to you then this is bad, bad, bad, bad, very very bad.

The only time you can cohabitate is if you’re engaged with an agreed wedding date. Anything else and you're wasting your time.  And no contrary to popular wisdom cohabitating doesn’t make him anymore committed.

Don’t believe me then I hope the following stories act as a gentle warning.

A work colleague and her boyfriend have been cohabitating for ten years.  He won’t propose and she is at her wits end.  She is practically pulling her hair out.  All her friends are either married or getting married or having children.  Each time she receives a wedding invite, her anxiety levels go into overdrive and she starts nagging him.  They have regular ‘chats’ about why he won’t propose and does that therefore mean he doesn’t love her. Some days she would come into work visibly upset.  I’d ask what was wrong and she’d reply with:

 ‘Well we had another chat last night and he’s still no closer to proposing. I don’t know what to do. Why won’t he propose?’

He won’t propose because he gets her for free.  He also gets to share a bed with her, gets his washing done and his dinner cooked. 

Another friend and her boyfriend were also living together for about ten years.  They seemed really happy and enjoyed an active social life.  Their diaries were constantly filled with weekends away or some other social commitment.  After ten years she asked what his intentions were.  He responded by moving out.  Shortly after breaking up with her, he started dating a girl who used to be a mutual friend.  She was distraught.  She was in so much pain that she stopped eating and her hair started falling out.

Ok gentle readers please take heed and please don’t let this be you.

By the way in the case of the first story.  He still hasn’t proposed.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

A male perspective - please don't call us or tell us what to do.

I’m itching to share this story with you dear readers.  Last night I went out with a male friend.  He knows all about The Rules.  Well what do you expect, he is my friend after all and I am partial to talking about The Rules every so often.

Anyway he’s dating this girl.  So far they’ve had two dates.

‘I can’t figure it out’ he said

‘How do you mean?’ I asked

‘She’s really pretty, has a great figure, a great job, any man would be lucky to have her but I’m not enthused about her.’

‘Oh how come’ 

‘Well we’ve only had two dates and she already seems really into me.  To be honest I’m a little unnerved.’

‘What you think she may be a stalker.’

‘I think she may have stalker tendencies.’

Ok dear readers, this is what happened.

She called him after their first date to tell him how much she enjoyed meeting him.  She also asked his availability for a second date.  She said she was going away for a week with work and could they meet before she left.

He agreed and they met for dinner.  At the end of their second date she told him how she didn’t want the date to end and how she was going to really miss him.  

It gets worse dear readers.  It really does.

He said he could tell she really enjoyed being wined and dined.   She’d already mentioned her preference for fancy restaurants.  He said he felt real pressure to find a suitable venue.  In the end he chose an Italian restaurant but he could see she didn’t like it. 

When asked if she liked the food, she replied with a limp

‘It’s ok.’  

To the waiters wine recommendation she responded with:

‘That's not any good. It’s 2010 and 2010 wasn’t a great wine year.’

Die hard and newbie Rules Girls please make sure:

• You never call a man to thank him for the date

• You let the man lead and you gracefully receive

• You play hard to get

• At no point do you gush over how great he is

• You never tell a man what to do.

P.s my friend also said how he wished more girls would do The Rules.

What to talk about on a date.

In the early stages of dating and in no particular order here are some topic areas best kept off the agenda.

• Your/his ex boyfriend or girlfriend

• How much you hate your boss/job/friends/family/flatmate/neighbours/next doors dog etc

• What your therapist thinks or tells you to do

• How all men are losers

• How dating is completely soul destroying

• How you’ve never met anyone like him before.  No gushing about how great they are especially not in the beginning

• Anything to do with getting married or how you’ve already planned your wedding

• Children including how many you want and what you intend naming them

• Any affairs that your friends are having

• If you met via an online dating site then don’t talk about his profile or his pictures.  Remember you’re busy.  You’ve barely had time to glance at his profile.

• How you absolutely hate your body

• How life is totally unfair and how you always seem to attract drama

• How long it took you get ready and how you’ve been planning your outfit since last week

• How much you’ve been looking forward to meeting him.

Don’t worry these topics are only off the list during the initial courtship phase.  You have the rest of your life to tell him about how your family suck and how you spend three hours getting ready for your first date.

In the meantime here are some topics you can talk about.

• The dismal UK summer.  Honestly is it going to rain all summer?

• The Olympics

• Music

• Concerts

• Books

• Plays

• Comedy shows and your favourite comedians

• Theatre shows

• TV programmes

• Actors and actresses

• Sport

• Hobbies and pastimes

• How tomatoes are actually a fruit

• Travelling
• Holidays
• Local places of interest

• How awesome aubergines are with goats cheese.  They’re yummy if you grill the aubergines first and then let the cheese melt on top.

Ok I think you get the idea.  Now get out there and give it some dating action.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Why hasn’t he called?

Ok dear readers, this is actually a positive. 

Let me try and explain why. 

Any die hard Rules Girls will tell you that if he’s not calling then ‘he’s just not that into you’ and he’s a ‘Next.’  We don’t worry about why he's not calling.  We simply strike his names off the list and move on.

For Rules newbie’s this takes a little getting used to.  For example imagine the following scenario. You’ve just had a great date, he said he would call but he never did.  You keep looking at your phone wondering why he hasn’t called.  You think back to the date and wonder whether you said something wrong.  You distinctively remember him saying he'd call.  So why hasn't he?

This is a positive for so many reasons:

• He’s saved you heaps and heaps of time.  The worst mistake you can make is to get impatient and call him.  This simple action will mean you’ve kept something going that’s not meant to be.  Yes he’ll probably be flattered by your call.  And he’ll probably agree to see you again.  You’ll get all excited and feel really pleased about calling him.  Be warned that you’re wasting your time.  He’s like you  and he’ll happily date you but you’re not his dream girl.

• He’s freed you up to date others.  You should thank him for not stringing you along.

• He’s one less guy to worry about.  Strike his name of the suitor list and get busy setting up more dates.

• The reason he’s not calling has NOTHING to do with you.  It’s not because you’re not pretty enough or smart enough or skinny enough.  It’s all to do with him.  Either he’s not ready to date, or you’re not his type or he's dating others.  The point is you don’t know and more importantly you don’t care. 

Also don’t expect him to call you right away.  Sometimes he'll call  the next day, sometimes he won’t. 

Your role isn’t to obsess and wonder why he isn't calling.  You role is to get busy and focus on setting up more dates. 

Finally it goes without saying but at no point do you call him for an explanation EVER.  You accept, give gratitude that he's saved you time and emotional energy and you move on.

For a private consultation please visit the website wingsbowsandarrows.com

Rules authors - Ellen and Sherrie LIVE one hour Q&A.

Sharing the below on behalf of Ellen and Sherrie: 

Do you know the 10 rules of dating?

The Rules Girls, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider do!

The #1 New York Times bestselling authors will host a LIVE one-hour Q&A.

It's on Saturday, July 21 from 8-9pm (ET) or 1am GMT for anyone based in the UK and will be hosted on Hallmark Channel’s facebook. 

The Q&A is a fun, flirty way for fans to ask dating’s dynamic duo questions in a relaxed, fun format all leading to the World Premiere of ‘HOW TO FALL IN LOVE,’ a Hallmark Channel Original Movie, Saturday, July 21 (8pm -9pm ET/PT or 1am GMT)

Chosen by Elle Magazine as one of the best self-help books of all time, The Rules co-author Sherrie Schneider offers a key rule to today’s single woman:

“Because many women are successful go-getters in business they mistakenly assume they can be aggressive with men too. They want to ask him out, buy him dinner and stay the night on the first date but, instead, we say women should disappear between dates and be very mysterious.”

Signed copies of All the Rules by Ellen and Sherrie will also be given away during the hour Q&A.

So if you want to know where to meet someone, how to get a man to propose, and how to enjoy yourself in the dating world, Hallmark Channel’s facebook Q&A is your dating advice destination!

Men only …. Part I

There are some dating roles clearly designated ‘men only.’

We know it’s up to men to chase and organise the date.  And men believe it or not know this too.

Here’s a text I received from a male friend yesterday.

I recall a similar situation a few months ago.  A friend of mine had emailed this girl via an online dating site.  She was really pretty and he was really nervous.  It was really cute to see him a little nervous.  He wasn’t sure whether she’d like him.

Suffice to say he wanted to make a really good impression.  He called and asked for help.  Even though he frequents lots of nice watering holes in London, he still spend two hours sat at his desk researching a great place to take her. 

I remember watching him and thinking:

‘Wow, men sure make an effort when they really want to date you.’

Next time you’re tempted to organise the dating plans. 

Don’t

Men know it’s over to them to set up and organise the date. 

Our role is to back off, leave them to it, thank them for picking a great venue (even if it’s not to our taste) and gracefully receive.

A very Rules-y ending.

Lavendar Bay Australia.

This is a great story dear readers.

Last night I met a friend for dinner.  I haven’t seen her for awhile because she’s been living and working in Australia.  While out there she married her boyfriend.  Naturally I was really looking forward to hearing all the details.

Here’s the story as told by my friend:

"Well as you know, Ben and I had been dating for a couple of years.  His company asked him to take a role in the Middle East.  Due to the nature of his work, I couldn’t go with him.  He asked what I would do.  I told him I’d sort myself out.   I decided to take the opportunity and live and work in Australia for a year.  So that’s what I did.  I found work in an event company and lived in this lovely apartment in Lavender Bay. 

The farewell at the airport was really teary, we both couldn’t stop crying.  I was heading off first and as we said goodbye I asked him:

 ‘What would we do with ourselves?’

He asked what I meant and I said :

‘It would be good to make some plans together.’

I wasn’t necessarily looking for a ring. I was thinking maybe we could invest in a property or perhaps open a joint bank account together.

Anyway because of the time zones and his work we couldn’t really email or talk on the phone. The only contact we had was a weekly Skype session.  Unfortunately this was always on a Friday night.  I really liked talking to him but come on its Friday night and I’m in Australia.  I wanted to be out.  Plus the Skype connection was never any good, it was always grainy and we couldn’t really hear each other.

After three months apart, he came to visit and that’s when he proposed.  I was really shocked and wasn’t expecting a proposal at all.  Of course I was over the month and I said yes straight away.

I think he proposed because he missed me, he was worried that I might meet someone else and he was ready."

This story is Rules for so many reasons.  Firstly she didn’t act all needy and insecure when he told her about the Middle East.  She also didn’t pester him via email, phone, text etc.  When they did finally talk on Skype she ended the call first because she was having too much fun partying. 

The most important take out is that sometimes in order to move forward you have to be separated from each other. Yes there will be tears and heartache, but in the long term you'll reap the rewards.

The best banana cake recipe.

My first attempt at making banana cake.  I impoverised

by using my flatmates cookery ware.

A slight right angle from my usual posts but bear with me dearest readers.

We all know as CUAO’s (creature unlike any other) we’re busy busy. 

We’re so busy that there’s absolutely no time in our schedules to accept last minute dates.  We only have 10 minutes to talk on the phone.  And there’s no time at all to even contemplate texting or calling a man.

If you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking about him.  Trying to find an excuse to end the call first.  Or trying to stop yourself from texting, then put the phone down and try out this banana cake recipe instead. 

I came across this recipe a few weeks ago.  I’d purchased too many bananas from my local market.  The market traders sell produce in bowls which is great if you live in a household of ten or more.  Even after giving away bananas to my local homeless person I still had loads left.  I decided to use the remaining bananas and bake a cake.

Here’s the recipe

Preheat the oven to gas mark 160C or gas mark 3

170 grams of caster sugar

170 grams of self raising flour

2 banana’s (best if overripe although mine were just ripe)

3 eggs

170 soft margarine (I used butter and diced it into small pieces)

Few drops of vanilla essence (optional)

Cinnamon (again optional, I just threw some into the bowl)

Walnuts 60 grams (optional but well worth adding)

Here’s the method

Add all the ingredients into a bowl or food processor

Mix well

Pour into a lined tin. 

Cook for an hour. 

Cool and enjoy.

I’m not a baker and don't have any kitchen scales so I estimated the required quantities.  The flour and caster sugar came in bags of 500 grams.  I tipped a third of each bag into a bowl.  Same for the butter.  I estimated the quantity required by cutting off about a third and throwing it into the blow.   

Of course I don’t have a cake tin either.  As you can see from the picture above I used my flatmates ceramic cookery ware.

Second attempt for a friends

birthday. Tasted lovely with

the champagne

I’ve made this cake three times in total. 

A few weeks ago as a practise run.  Last week for a friend’s birthday and the week before when a friend came to visit.    

It’s easy, quick, simple and tasty.

Next time you’re looking for an excuse to end the call first. Tell him ‘you’d love to chat but you need to check on your cake'. Subsequently if you find yourself thinking about him.  Distract yourself by grabbing your coat and your purse. Head down to your local store. Buy the ingredients and try out this recipe instead.

Why stalking and obsessing is a bad idea.

Stalking or obsessing your significant other is always a very bad idea.

It’s bad for a number of reasons.  For one it’s a wholly negative energy zapping activity.  Think of all that precious wasted time.  And think about what else you could have done instead.  Secondly you can’t control what other people do or don’t do.  You can only control your own behaviour, thoughts and actions.

Plus if a man is going to cheat he’s going to cheat. No amount of detective work on your behalf will stop him.   Remember if you’re doing The Rules, then one cheat and it’s pretty much over.  And it doesn’t matter how many girls are trying to get his attention.  You only need to take action if he’s the one initiating the contact.

This advice given to Jools Oliver who apparently stalks her celebrity chef husband Jamie Oliver is very Rules-y. Have a read here.

For a private consultation or help with dating, online dating please visit the website wingsbowsandarrows.com

The one that got away.

I’m going to make a wild guess and assume we all have ‘one’ that got away.

Maybe we were hasty and ended the relationship too soon.  Maybe we met someone else and moved on. Maybe they wouldn’t commit or maybe they wanted to marry us and we weren’t ready. Years later we look back in hindsight and wish things had worked out differently.  Often we reflect back with a sense of loss.

I know a girl dear readers who to this present day mourns the loss of her past love.  They'd met at college. She chased and pursed him and they dated for five or six years. 

She followed him around for a couple of years too.  He went to study aboard and she enrolled onto the same class.  He went to work aboard and she followed him.  In the end she ended the relationship because he wouldn't commit.   He's since married with children and she also has a lovely brood of her own.  Despite being married with children she pines after her lost love.  Sixteen years later she wonders  'if he came for her would she go.'  Seriously these are her ongoing daily thoughts. 

Don’t waste time focussing on the ‘one’ that got away. Remember once a man is gone he’s gone. 

Don’t delude yourself either. Just because you once rocked their world doesn’t mean you still do.  They’ve moved on and so should you.

They got way because they never  belonged to you in the first place.

It all happened so fast.

This is never great to hear. 

'We’ve only just met and it’s all going so fast’ she’ll gush giddy with excitement.

I don’t wish to spoil the party but I always get anxious whenever I hear this.  Usually the girl is delighted. She’s normally over the moon with the way things are going. 

Take heed.

If within the first couple of months you’re spending heaps of time together,  have met each other’s families,  have stayed several nights at each other’s place.  And have gone away on a couple of trips then slow down.

Spending too much time together too soon  usually spells disaster later in the relationship.  That’s because men normally fall in love quicker than women.  When they first meet us, they want to see us all the time.  It’s normal.  It’s over to us to slow things down. 

Don’t be taken in by the whirlwind courtship. 

You’ll stack the odds in your favour if you make him wait, let him miss you, think about and imagine you.

For a private consultation or help with online dating please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Rules a la carte.

Sorry to break it to everyone but we can’t cheat The Rules. 

Doing The Rules a la carte or half Rules will only bring up issues further in the relationship.

Yes The Rules can’t guarantee anything but they save you  time and allow you to date with dignity and confidence

Either you do The Rules or you don’t. 

Non Rules girls.

I love non Rules girls. 

I particularly love how they ridicule The Ruleswithout having tired them out.  

On Saturday I was out with the girls including one who is very anti Rules.  At a girly lunch a few months ago, I recall her being vocal about her distaste for The Rules.  The anti Rules comments didn't and don't bother me. Anyway once again I was anticipating a little Rules attack.  And she didn't disappoint.  She felt ignoring texts and calls was plain rude. I understand her point of view.  Lots of girls feel this way.  What they don’t understand is how different men and women are.

The Rules are not for everyone.  They take ‘work.’  It’s hard not to return texts and calls straight away (although it gets easier with practise.)  And it’s even harder to have faith and patience.  Will he text back if I ignore his text?  Will he call back if I don’t return his call?  Will he ever call or text again?  Maybe he’ll think I’m not interested?  These are all normal thoughts.  The simple truth is that yes he will text and call back providing he was interested enough in the first place.

We need anti Rules girls. They help us out by doing things their own way.  Which means we get to stand out even more.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com