He clearly doesn’t love you enough.

Since my post  'moving on,' lots of you have written in to say:

‘Clearly he doesn’t love you enough, because if he did he would do whatever it takes.’

Here’s where The Rules come in.

My ex guy recently told me he’s not ready.  And he isn’t.  This has absolutely nothing to do with me.  It’s all to do with him. 

When a guys says he’s not ready.

He's not.

That's not to say he won’t be ready in a few years time.  I’m in my late 30’s and don’t have a few years to give him especially if I want to start a family.  Ticky tocky dear readers.   I’m confident he’ll get things sorted but he can’t do this overnight.   

In this scenario there are two choices:

a)       Wait for him to get ready and hope that one day he’ll propose

Or

b)       Accept, leave him to it and date others.  He has my number and  knows where to find me.

My ex-guy is very happy to carry on dating.  We last met on Tuesday.  He asked if we would meet on Wednesday and I said no.  He asked if I wanted to watch the Batman film on Thursday.  I said no.  He asked if I wanted to go for lunch on Sunday. I said no.  He asked if we could meet next week and again I said no.

When a man says he’s not ready, this is exactly what he means.  This doesn’t make him a bad person.  That said the worst thing we can do is to hang around, carry on dating him and hope for the day he gets ready.

Anyway contrast my story to my non Rulesgirlfriend

My non Rules girlfriend has been dating her guy for three years.  He’s divorced with two children.  The other day I asked how they were doing:

“Wonderful, just wonderful, we’re very committed to each other” she responded

“That’s amazing, has he proposed?”

“No, not yet he can’t afford it.  He’s totally broke at the moment so he’s moved into my place.  I’m paying the bills while he gets himself sorted.”

“Oh ok, so how are things going?”

“Great, he’s with his children, he’s taken them to the beach for a few days.”

“Oh ok and you didn't want to go?”

“No, I’ve not been introduced to the children yet.” “He wants to wait until they’re a little older.”

To recap they’ve been dating for three years.  He’s still (technically) married to his ex-wife because he can’t afford to divorce her.  My non Rules friend hasn’t met his children yet and doesn’t know when she will.  He’s just moved into her house but can’t afford to pay any of the bills.  Yet she’s very happy to stay with him and hope that one day he’ll propose. 

There’s nothing wrong with this but if she wants to start a family, she’d be better off leaving him alone and dating others. By the way she also thinks The Rules are totally nuts.

The great thing about moving on is that you’re not wasting any time.  And as hard as it is (and it is hard) you’re back in control.  Plus if their situations do change and providing we’re still single they know where to find us.

Win win I say.

Back on the dating wagon.

I’m back on the dating horse and have been for about a month.   

Like a good Rules Girl/Coach I reactivated my dating profile a couple of days after my ex guy went on the ‘on contact’ plan.  To date I’ve had three dates with one guy who is very keen.  He also comes with baggage in the form of an ex wife and children.   And I’ve also had a date zero with another guy.

I’m already on two dating sites but plan to put myself on another few.  I’ll also be signing up to singles events as well as getting myself out there.

Last night I logged on to check my messages.  I’ve received all these messages from one dating site but unfortunately every single one is a ‘Next.’

They either wrote one word emails or didn’t refer to anything within my written profile.  Only two mentioned something within my profile but both of these suitors were too short.   I know height isn’t a deal breaker for many people but it is for me.  I’m not looking for anyone who is 6ft tall but I’d like them to be taller than me.

I really thought my dating days were over and I was looking forward to moving things on with my ex guy.  I’d done all the hard work or rather he’d done all the hard work and we were going great guns. 

Alas dear readers and fellow singletons here I am back on the dating scene.  Over the weekend I’ll be re-writing out my intentions together with having a serious think about what I’m looking for.  After that I plan to blitz, blitz and blitz. 

I must confess the thought of having to re-start my dating journey does make me sad.  I'd worked so hard. Anyway for now I plan on gritting my teeth, getting out there and seeing what comes my way. 

Moving on.

I’m referring to My Guy or ex guy.  For anyone following the blog you’ll know my ex guy has been on ‘no contact.’  He’s recently been in touch and we’ve had a couple of conversations.

I must confess the great thing about the ‘no contact’ rule is that while they’re thinking, you also get to think.  I was happy when we restarted talking but subsequent conversations have only confirmed that he’s still not ready.

One reason for him not being ready was his family.  His family didn’t like my stats.  I’m older than him and divorced and unfortunately being divorced still holds a stigma in my culture. He’s talked to his entire family about me and they all gave me a big fat resounding no.  Ok I lie; they gave me a huge, massive no.

Despite their thoughts towards me, his family do sound very nice and I understand their point of view.  The other great thing about our recent conversations is that they’ve helped raise a couple of red flags, namely how influential his family are and will probably continue to be. 

My ex guy has only ever been affectionate, generous and kind.  We’ve had a great Rules-y relationship and there’s absolutely no animosity between us.   I know there are compromises in every relationship, but the compromises for me would be huge.

Rules Girls don’t waste time, we don't settle and we choose carefully.

She’s a psycho.

It doesn’t take much for men to think girls are psychos. 

Really it doesn’t. 

A little over zealous texting and acting a little too keen and needy is all they need to label girls a psycho. 

Not us Rules Girls of course.  We’re far too in control to be ever labelled psychos.

Let me explain what I mean via a quick story.

A family friend was recently introduced to a suitor.  The introductions were made via their extended families.  These introductions are fairly common in my culture.  They usually involve your family sitting you down and showing you a photo. This is then followed by a brief suitor synopsis which includes their name, height, marital status, where they live, work, their level of education, number of siblings etc.   

Nowadays and depending on how ‘liberal’ your family are, you’re given a phone number and told to get on with it.  This is what happened in this scenario.  My male family friend was shown a photo and given a number.  He said she was really pretty so he decided to call her.

They talked on the phone twice.  Both occasions the calls lasted two hours.  On hearing this I already knew how this story was going to end.  They met a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t bother driving down to her neighbourhood.  Instead they arranged to meet at a convenient shopping mall.  The date ended with her leaning over to kiss him.  After the date she continued to text and call him. 

Apparently she’d text him at work with tit bits of her day.  In one text she wrote she was ‘going to the shops.’ She also kept sending him photos of herself and her family.

He said she ‘started to do his head in.’   And that’s all it took for him to brand her a psycho

I personally don’t think she’s a psycho; she’s just keen and made the mistake of treating him like a girlfriend.  Men are not are girlfriends especially not prospective suitors. 

He’s stopped returning her texts because he felt, if she’s this needy now what’s she going to be like once they’re married. 

This last point is really key.

Men must do the work when it comes to dating i.e. make the first contact, call and arrange the date but they mustn’t feel that being with us is hard work.  I hope you can see the difference because there’s a big difference.  If not (forgive my blatant self promotion) why don’t you book a private consultation by visiting wingsbowsandarrows.com

Positive waiting.

If you’re doing The Rules you’ll spend lots of time waiting.

At the start of your dating journey you have to wait for them to call or get in touch.  Once you start dating you wait for them to either pick you up, or you have to wait for at them at the venue.

Once exclusive you still have to wait for them to  call, pick you up, introduce you to their friends and family, make the date plans etc. 

Finally you have to wait for them to commit. 

Despite all this waiting you’re actually the one in control.  If you’ve been waiting and they haven’t called then you move on.  You also control whether or not  to go exclusive and you decide whether they’re ‘The One.’

Couple of things on this:

If you doing The Rules, you may as well get used to the waiting.  Get busy and stay busy.  Getting busy doesn’t mean you’re impossible to get or that there’s no flex in your schedule to see him.  Remember we don’t accept last minute dates, but if he’s given you three days notice, and providing your date day doesn’t fall on your dad’s 60^th birthday or your sister’s wedding then free yourself up to see him.

Remember the ‘waiting’ for calls, texts, dates, moving to exclusivity and eventually commitment is a positive.  In between the spaces he’s gets to miss you, imagine you and think about you.  When he does finally call or arrange date plans he’ll feel it’s all been his idea.  You can help him feel this way by leaving him well alone.

While you’re ‘waiting,’ start a new hobby, learn a new language, think about a career change, start a book club or a blog, learn to cook etc. 

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

My guy update.

Ok dear readers a status update for you.  Anyone following the blog will know I went exclusive back in March.  It’s been great and yes they really will drive down to pick you up, take you out, pay and drop you back again.

Our relationship is completely Rules-y and will continue to be.  In a nutshell he recently said those immortal words:

‘I’m not ready.’

And we all know men say what they mean especially when it comes to commitment.  The truth is after hearing him; he isn’t ready.   He has a few things to sort before he gets ready.

So over to him and in the meantime I’m back to dating.

What this Rules coach didn’t get the ring I hear you say.

In response let’s just wait to see how this plays out. 

In the meantime I’m not wasting any time and have already started dating others.

Halfway house.

Dear readers as I’m sure you know we don’t get ourselves into any ‘halfway house’ scenarios.

If you were happily dating only to discover he won’t commit, then he’s a ‘Next.’  None of this ‘let’s stay friends business.’  

If he wants to stay friends tell him you have enough friends’ thank you.  If he wants to see you, he can either date you properly or commit to a relationship.

If you’re in any ‘on and off’ type scenario, but he calls when he needs something tell him ‘you’d love to help but you’re busy.’  And no you can’t water his plants or look after his dog while he’s on holiday. And no you absolutely cannot accompany him to his friend’s party because he doesn't want to go alone.  He can employ a concierge service and he can go to the party alone.

Either they want to date and commit to us or they don’t. 

If they’re not interested in us then we’re certainly not interested in them.