Women’s role in a relationship.

Recently a male reader asked the following question

‘What is the woman’s role in starting and building a relationship?’

Good question.  Some men may feel they have to do all the work. I told him I’d answer his question via a blog post so here it is.

Depending on how we define ‘work.’  Men doing ‘the work’ can be perceived as true.  Firstly a man has to identify his type and then he has to chase and pursue.  Once he has his girl he has to provide and profess.

What men don’t see is how much ‘work’ girls have had to do before the chase can even begin. Personally I feel being a CUAO (creature unlike any other) is work. Wearing heels is also work.  They look great but I’d much rather wear flats any day. Exercising to be in the best shape possible is work.  Looking after our hair, nails, skin, waxing etc is work.  All this pampering may sound fun but boys waxing and threading hurts. Heels make our feet sore.  Underwire lingerie can get uncomfortable.  Try it and you’ll see what I mean. 

In Rules terms a women’s role in starting, building and sustaining a relationship also includes the following. The list is not exhaustive.

• Firstly we have to either accept or decline his advances. If we’re interested we’ll accept.  If we’re not then we’ll politely decline. 
• We’ll take your phone calls although we will end the calls first
• We won’t spoil the chase for you. We know that anything worth having is worth the effort.  We know how important the chase is to a man (even if you tell us differently) 
• If you choose to pay for us we’ll gracefully receive.  If you ask us to pay our way we’ll happily pay but deep down we know ‘you’re just not that into us.’  We know that when a man wants to date us and I mean really date us, paying is the very last thing on his mind.
• We won’t play games or waste your time; we won’t keep on dating you if we know that you’re not right for us.
• You’ll never ever have to explain why you don’t want to date us.  We’ll know that if you’re not calling and trying to take us out then again you’re just not that into us.
• We’ll let you lead and we’ll follow your lead providing it’s in line with our morals and ethics
• We’ll thank you for each date and we’ll show gratitude each time you do something for us
• We know how important the ‘visual’ is for men.  And we’ll try our best to look and smell our very best for you. 
• We’ll never flirt with your friends or try and make you jealous
• If you’re late for a date, we won’t make this into a big deal although we will silently take notes.
• We’ll try our best not to nag, criticise or to put you down. 

• We will never act insecure or needy and we’ll never ask why you haven’t called or texted.

• We won’t tell you want to do

• We’ll accept you for who you are and we won’t try and change you.

• We won’t be drama prone or argumentative for no reason, we’ll try our best to manage our moods.

• We’ll take care of ourselves

• We'll give you as much space and ‘cave time’ as you could possibly need. 

No mean feat if you ask me.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Why we shouldn't nag.

The reason we shouldn’t nag or criticise is because both build resentment. 

It’s easier to nag and criticise.  Unfortunately these tactics don’t work in the long term.   I know a married woman who nags her partner like you wouldn’t believe.  Her family nag him too.  She constantly plays the victim.  I know she’s angry but her nagging hasn’t worked.  It demotivates him and makes him less inclined to do what she wants him to do. 

Recently my Rules friend K and I have been sharing some of the things we want to discuss with our guys.  We then talk through how we can say them in a nicer, kinder and gentler way. 

Being consciously aware of what you’re saying and how your words affect your partner is tiring.  You have to stop yourself and think before you speak.  I decided long ago that if I couldn’t find a nice way of saying something then I would either a) wait until I found a nicer way or b) I wouldn’t say anything at all.

From personal experience it can be tiring and exhausting when the easier option is to say whatever you want.

We have two choices. 

Adopt the former which will erode your relationship. Or choose the latter which is harder but longer term worth the effort and commitment.

For a private consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Predicting the future.

As a Rules coach I’m often asked to predict the future. 

Will he call?  Will he propose?  When will he propose?

Rules coaches are not psychic, (well at least I don't think any of us are) but we do know by doing The Rules you’re more likely to get your desired outcome.

For one you won’t be acting needy or insecure.  You won’t scare him away by bringing up marriage, children and the future too soon into the relationship.  You won’t tell him what to do and you’ll give him as much space as he needs.  You won’t be acting or speaking like the other girls which will make him wonder about you even more. 

If and when he calls or proposes is on his terms.  Sorry I know it sucks but forcing our will or making demands doesn't always work.

That said we don’t waste time either.  We won’t give them three, five or ten years.  If they’re not making the right noises we’ll move on quickly.

No one can really truly predict the future. However Rules coaches can definitely ensure you don’t waste time on men who don’t want you.  And that you date with total self respect and confidence.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

The dating job.

Dating needs to be treated like a job.  And a full time job at that. When I tell people this, they look at me like I have two heads. 

It’s understandable. 

We all want to believe in the magic and fantasy of falling in love.  We all want to lock eyes with that someone special and live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately it’ll only happen if you’re prepared to put the effort in.  Sitting at home or bemoaning the fact that you’re still single are all comfortable pursuits but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

I meet so many girls who really want to meet Mr Right but won’t take any action.  This means that they’ll be staying single for a little while longer.

Dating is arduous (I hear you) but you have to consistently take action. 

Good news is that each action gets you one step closer.

If you'd like a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.

Being a CUAO.

There’s more to being a CUAO (creation unlike any other) other than looking great. 

Being a total CUAO is often more about attitude.  There’s no point being gorgeous if men are put off by your words and actions.  I’ll give you a live example. 

A friend of mine met this girl at a party.  He spotted her straight away.   This is what he told me:

"I met this girl last night, she was so hot. I saw her standing at the bar and couldn’t believe how pretty she was.  The thing is as soon as she opened her mouth she became ugly. It’s a shame as she was a good looking girl."

Dear readers this is what happened.  He saw her standing at the bar and decided to approach her.  Rather than being polite and courteous she started to mock his dress sense, his southern accent and his cocktail choice.  He found her rude and a little obnoxious and decided she wasn’t worth the effort.  This girl probably went home that night wondering why no one asked for her number. 

No one asked for her number because even though she was hot she lacked grace and humility.

I’ve seen this on online dating sites too.  Girls who look great, yet the way they describe themselves within the written profile makes them appear ‘hard work.’

I couldn’t help thinking how our unrules-y sisters are giving us Rules girls a huge advantage.  Anyone doing The Rules automatically stands out.  Thankfully we stand out for the right reasons which is just as well and it’s tough out there.

How not to return calls, texts and emails.

If you’re new to The Rules or a beginner then not calling men, or returning texts, will at first feel really odd. 

Any die hard Rules Girls will tell you that it gets easier the more you do it.  Or not do it as in this case.

Remember you can return calls, you just can’t call men.  And you don’t have to return every single one of their missed calls either. 

For texting the best book that examples The Rules is Vanessa Taylor’s book Text, Love, Power.  To keep it simple you only need to respond to their texts and emails if they’re asking you out.  Everything else is pretty much a delete.

If you’re ever tempted to call a man.  And apart from the usual distraction tactics of calling a friend, exercising, reading etc. Here are an additional couple of things I used to do which really helped.

Firstly repeat the following to yourself again and again.

I do not call or text men

I do not call or text men.

It’s something that I just don’t do.

I am a Rules Girl and I do not call or text men

Secondly if you’ve been thinking about them and really want to call them.  I was once told to stop and imagine them in their den watching an ahem unsavoury film.  Hopefully you can catch my drift dear readers. And emmm you wouldn’t want to interrupt their ‘leisure time’ now would you.   

For texts and emails it’s even easier.  Simply delete the email or text.  Delete it straight away and tell yourself there was no text or email.   How can you respond when there’s no text or email to respond to?

The other great preventive action is to delete all their contact details from your phone/laptop/tablet etc. Delete everything.  That way you can’t call/text/email because you don’t have their details.  This way you’re forced to wait for them to get in touch first.

The more you practise the above the easier it’ll become.  And it really does become easy.  It becomes so easy that the thought of calling/texting will start to feel completely alien.

It’ll take time and you won’t be able to do it straight away but you’ll get there.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Summer dating.

Wanting dates for the summer is completely normal. 

Everyone seems to be out and about eating, drinking and generally looking tanned and happy. We look at couples sitting in the park or out in bars and yearn to be coupled up.

If you’re currently single - rather than hoping for dates here are some ways you can help yourself  get some actual live dates.

1) Please please online date.  There are some real gems online.  Don’t join one dating site but try out as many as possible.  Once you’ve created your profile and selected your pictures then it’s simply a cut and paste job.

2) Bars and restaurants are not always good hunting grounds for eligible bachelors.   If you frequent these places in the hope of meeting the one don’t be disappointed if no one asks for your number. 

3) Tell all your family and friends to send any eligible bachelors your way.  Ask everyone you know to set you up on dates. 

4) The summer is full of sporting events.  If you’re attending anything like Ascot or Wimbledon then dress and act like a total CUAO.  Again don’t be disappointed if no one asks you out.  Use this time to practise The Rules

5) Sign up for as many singles events as you can afford.  I know dating can get expensive but if meeting someone is important to you then think of the costs as a long term investment.

6) Don’t waste time on holiday flings.  Honestly they’re not worth the emotional time or energy.

7) If you’re heading aboard, remember airports are a total hot pot for men.  Don’t ask me why, they just are.  If you’re travelling in and out of airports then use this to your advantage.  If you’re doing The Rules you can’t approach any men. Look the best that you comfortably can and wait for them to come to you

8) If you're attending any weddings, again look and act like a total CUAO.  Don't focus on the fact that you're still single, instead focus on the happy couple.  They found each other and it'll happen to you too.

Doing all these things doesn’t necessarily guarantee lots of summer dates.  But it does get you closer to meeting your personal Mr Right. 

If you’re in an exclusive or committed relationship, one that’s normal and healthy then give gratitude that you’re no longer in the dating game.  It’s tough out there.  Really really tough.

If you’re single and searching, keep going and don’t settle just because all your friends are in relationships.   Unfortunately we can’t put a time line on meeting Mr Right.  It just doesn’t work that way.  We can’t speed up the process either.  All we can do is get out there again and again and again.

I know it can be hard sometimes especially if you’re of a certain age and still single.  Remember giving up is not an option and do all that you can to find your person.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com